10 Tips For Becoming More Social
Teigan Evans, October 2011

"People are just people
They shouldn't make you nervous
People are just people like you" - Regina Spektor, Ghost Of Corporate Future

1. Ask Yourself Why You Want To Become More Social.

It's natural to want to feel connected with other people. Nobody likes being lonely. (I mean, some people probably do; it takes all kinds of freaks to make this kerazy world. But I think it's fair to say the vast majority of us don't.)

However! Some folk are naturally more - or less - socially inclined than others, and wherever you happen to land on that particular spectrum, it's perfectly okay. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to be more social just because you feel like you should be more social for whatever bullshit reason that doesn't really ring true.

Be more social because you truly want to be; because you honestly think it'll make you happier. If in your heart you don't really want to be, then don't be. It's up to you.

2. Ask Yourself Why You're Not More Social.

Opportunities to socialise are around. Opportunities to socialise are fuckin' everywhere, for everyone except people who live on remote islands with no internet access and only ten other... actually no, even there.

If you're not as socially active or engaged as you'd like to be, it's almost certainly because you're choosing to hold yourself back from it, for whatever reason/s.

Since I'm not you, I don't know what those reasons are; you'd have to consult yourself on that.

One thing I can speak to - and, I reckon, the main reason people aren't as social as they'd like to be - is simply shyness. Which takes many forms, but can basically be reduced to fear of other people.

Since most people aren't generally physically violent - and the ones who are, you should probably stay the hell away from anyway - this can, in turn, be basically reduced to fear of how other people will make you feel.

I don't entirely know where I'm going with this, but essentially: ask yourself honestly why you're not more social, and address those issues. The remaining points can maybe help.

3. Freakin Relax.

You are not what any given person or group of people thinks of you. You're not how you feel about yourself today, or how you'll feel about yourself tomorrow. You are not your fucking khakis, etc. You are not a static, defineable thing, like a brick or a... I can't think of another static thing like a brick right now cuz it's late and I'm tired, but you know what I mean. You are an ongoing, evolving, living, breathing process. Your process; not anyone else's. Do not let anyone try and tell you different. (In various ways, people will. Don't let them.)

All that having been said, at the same time you're always you - and however much about yourself may change or be affected by circumstances, that's what you'll always come home to at the end of the day, absolutely no matter what, until the day you die. 

So, y'know, point is: just chill. Accept yourself the way you are. If you can honestly do this, others mostly will as well. And in any case you'll generally have a much easier time.

3.5 Have Fun.

The prime motivator for social interaction is simply that it's fun. Okay, so it certainly isn't always that way in actual practice. But ideally it's enjoyable, rewarding, stimulating, satisfying and basically just goddamn fun to engage socially with other people. That's essentially why we do it. That's the goal. Try to remember this.

4. Respect Yourself.

This gets into kind of cliched territory, but it's important: regardless of anything, always remember that you are a thing of value. Because people are insecure, being around them may make you feel like you're not. But you are. For similar reasons, people may try to make you do things you don't want to do. Don't.

Don't subject yourself to experiences you really don't like out of fear of how others will perceive you - or for any other reason. Sometimes it can be hard or complex, but never forget that you can pretty much always choose to walk away from a social situation if it's making you more uncomfortable or unhappy than you care to be.

(And by exactly the same token, you can choose to walk into social situations, if being outside of them is etc etc.)

You may have duties to other people, but your first duty is to yourself.

5. Respect (And Be Tolerant Of) Others.

The so-called golden rule of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" never gets old. Crucially, avoid treating people in ways that you, in their shoes, would not enjoy being treated. Try and be sensitive to the needs and feelings of the people you're interacting with; try to act in a way that respects those needs and feelings.

Ideally, don't do this because you want people to like you (although if you do it right, they will) - do it because you actually care about the experience the people you're with are having; the experience that interacting with you is giving to them.

Try to look for the best in everyone you encounter, even if it's really hard. However different to you a person may seem in one way or another, ultimately everyone is a human being doing their best to get along in the world, exactly like you, and they deserve - at the very least - a basic level of respect for that, exactly like you.

6. Teh Internetz Are Your Friend.

The consequence-free funfair of what in William Gibson's day they used to call 'cyberspace' is an infinite playground, and training ground, for the practice of the social arts.

This is a tad oversimplistic, but to me the social possibilities of the internet fall into two basic camps, both of them awesome:

1. You can find people with whom you can be yourself, in a relatively unthreatening context.

This is a whole essay of its own, but a basically redundant one. So we'll keep it simple. Online, you can - via any number of channels - very easily find people with similar interests, qualities and values to your own, and you can very easily interact with these people via the heavily defused medium of a screen.

In Marshall McLuhan terms, the internet's a hotter medium these days than it used to be, but it's still basically a 'cool' medium. You can choose how much you wish to reveal about yourself, you can take your time, and you can always run away if you want. Or you can stick around and make some of the best goddamn irl friends you'll ever know.

2. You can be fucking anyone.

Online, you can explore the infinite outer boundaries of your own and others' minds in ways that 99% of the time simply aren't possible in the so-called Real World - where we are all tied to a specific face, a specific name, an address, a history, a context, that we are for better or worse inextricably bound to. Given an appropriate level of cover and some ingenuity, you can potentially say and do and be pretty much whatever you want. Anyone can. It's amazing. It will Teach You About Yourself.

All of which brings me very neatly to my next point..

7. Talk To Strangers.

In any place or situation where it's acceptable for people who don't know each other to interact, try it. Whether at work or at school, on a bus stop or in an elevator; wherever.

Be mindful of the level of consequence that's likely to flow from the interaction, in context, and relax accordingly. A person completely outside of your existing social spheres, and who you're probably never going to see again, is a person with whom you can probably get away with saying or doing almost anything you like.

Obviously, protect yourself (see Point 4) and be basically respectful (see Point 5) - but beyond that constraint, feel free to go crazy if so inclined. Experiment; travel to strange new places. What will it cost you? Ultimately nothing. What can you learn or gain? Potentially quite a lot.

8. Try To Be A Person That You Would Like, If You Met Them.

Observe the personal qualities and behavioural traits you see in people that you admire, respect and enjoy, and work those qualities and traits into your own persona and your interactions with others. Please note: I'm not saying just blindly copy these people, or try to be exactly like them - which is of course freakin lame. Investigate honestly what it is about these people and/or their behaviours that appeals to you, and use that information to help you be the kind of person you would like to be around, if you were someone else.

9. Trust - And Hone - Your Instincts.

This is a bit of a subtle point but try to stay with me on it.

Being social is simultaneously a natural instinct, and a learned skill - which, like any skill, is improved with practice.  On the ground, social interaction is to a very large degree a game of reading what can often be extremely subtle cues and signals, and responding to those signals appropriately.

But there's waaaay too much information flying around to actively and consciously keep track of it all. So familiarize yourself with how things make you feel and how you're instinctively inclined to react, and learn to trust those instincts - even if consciously they make no sense sometimes. Sometimes those instincts will let you down, but it's all learning. You might be surprised how far this one can take you if you let it.

Be real. Don't overthink shit. Learn to go with the flow.

10. Know What It Means To Have And To Be A Friend.

Look after the people who look after you; be there for the people who are there for you; try to understand the people who try to understand you. Care about the people who care about you. Use these people, and allow them to use you. Trust them. Forgive them if they disappoint you - which likely as not they sometimes will. (Hopefully they'll do the same for you.) Value the time and experiences you've shared with them. Honor the bonds that you have with them.

Friendship can get incredibly complex sometimes, but at the end of the day it's pretty much as simple as that. And you best believe it matters.

Big ups to the following articles by Bill Beaty of amasci.com, which have been very helpful to me in the past, and which provided considerable inspiration in writing the above (nb may take a while to load - I think his webserver is hosted on like a Commodore 64 or something - but worth it):

http://amasci.com/shyness.html
http://amasci.com/fuelair.html